Our match against the DUGS, scheduled for 13 March 2021, fell victim to Covid. In its place, the teams met on Zoom. After a highly competitive quiz, the golf was imagined through an article from the Irish Times:
Portmarnock Hosts a Thriller
‘momentary loss of concentration’ proves costly
Philip Reid, The Irish Times, 19 March 2021
After a dreary winter of lockdown, Dublin was electrified today by a thrilling encounter between a strong DUGS team and a tenacious group of LUGS. Disorientated by a change of venue to The Island two years ago, George Yeandle and his team gave every impression of being more at ease back at Portmarnock where they came to lunch with the score tied.
For such a high quality sporting event, lunch plays a disproportionately important part in this fixture. There was plenty of good cheer on display as the teams mingled to chat through the great issues of the day: could Smithwicks ever match the quality of a good northern bitter, as Jeremy maintained; what troubles Rory McInroy – theory number 346; does Barry have an even better Cliff Richards joke? Not all was entirely carefree; never one to lose his patience, Gavin was nevertheless seen to wince as Porky talked him through how to rig the new handicap system; and Gibbo seemed a little troubled by Nick Denny, his morning opponent, who was making ‘helpful’ suggestions about how he might hole more putts.
Captains Conway and Yeandle found a corner to huddle in to draw the afternoon matches. For two such different characters, it was something of a surprise to discover that they had both spent time in lockdown negotiating endorsements for products matching their respective golf swings. Conway was now the face of Guinness’ new super smooth range of ales; Yeandle the brand ambassador for beef jerky.
And the contrast between the captains didn’t stop there. The selection policies differed markedly too. Conway, studious, rigorous with a touch of Guardiola-like flair, had agonised for days over who to pair up for the afternoon. Yeandle, borrowing from the Sam Allerdyce playbook and with so little talent to pick from, drew his pairings from a hat.
First out for the DUGS were Mark Murnane and Will Kelly. Ever dependable, Kelly striped drive after drive long, high and straight only to find Jimmy Bull – the only LUG ever to become a better golfer post university – nurdle it up close to him. Murnane, slow out of the blocks after a skirmish with messrs Woodhouse and Wolfschmidt at lunch, frittered chances early and, with Sam Baker hitting an unlikely rich vein of form, the LUGS turned ahead.
Barry Grundy and Paddy O’Sullivan were reunited in nostalgic dental bliss. Having been kept apart for some years, their reunion was like ‘putting the band back together’ – not so much the Beatles; more Peters and Lee. Facing up against them were John Sugden and Alastair Wells. The contrast in styles of those playing the odds could not have been starker. Clad in a crushed olive cashmere jumper, heavily polished two-tone Footjoys and starched plus fours, O’Sullivan looked every inch the Saville Row mannequin; curry stained, threadbare and ill fitting, Sugden was not so much Saville Row as hedgerow. But, trite as it is to remind readers, there are no pictures on the scorecard and the stuffiness demonstrated by both teams over the first three holes promised a tight, edgy match.
Not so game three where Roddy Conway and Gorm Nielsen vied hard for most impressive shot. Gorm’s ‘slinger’ off the first, starting over the bay and finishing mid fairway, was matched and raised by Roddy’s downhill, tight lying lob wedge at no 2 to a patch of green measuring no more than the proverbial postage stamp. Their partners, Fran Quilty and Ed Clutton, were consigned to playing earthlings to their partners’ celestial genius, but demonstrated remarkable touch of their own when rescuing their teams from the occasional one that went wrong.
The contrast in match four could not have been greater with Gavin Caldwell and John Conway, gentlemen of manners, distinction and discretion, matched up against the Kershaw brothers, the personification of why no one from Bolton has ever risen high in the diplomatic services. ‘Man of the people, me!’ chirped Porky pointing to his shoes as he zigzagged down the first. ‘So, Gavin, R&A captain or not, I’ll expect to see my reflection in them by the time you’ve finished!’ And thus started the fabled shoeshine game.
Tommy Bracken and Michael Fleming provided yet another formidable DUG combination. Tommy looked eager for action and, much like Sean O’Brien, the Tullow Tank, stood strong and solid over the ball in spite of the high winds. While used to high winds, they usually came 30 degrees warmer in the Cayman Islands and Paul Woodhouse struggled claiming early signs of hypothermia. The lack of flamboyance in the play of their partners, Michael Fleming and Mark Conway, was more than made up for by the abundance of unflashy but highly effective golf shots. Like two old boxers, they wasted no energy and spent the afternoon eyeing when to throw the winning jab. Nine halved holes on the way to the turn took no one by surprise.
Though they may bear more than a passing resemblance to Laurel and Hardy, Nick Dillon and Dermot O’Grady provide anything but slapstick comedy on the golf course. A formidable pairing, forged on the wild and stormy links of the Atlantic coast, Paddy Power had them as firm favourites to beat Jon Lavelle and Peter Dyson, the Vodka Pimms brigade from leafy Surrey. But the rub of the green favoured the tourists early on as the combination of the Lavelle lobster motif-ed trousers and Dyson’s uncanny ability from 15 feet contrived to disturb the equilibrium of the Irish combination. Snacking regularly on cucumber sandwiches (crusts removed) with just a hint of gentleman’s relish for energy, the Surrey boys raced to an unlikely 4 hole lead.
What better way to anchor your team than to put out your bankers last? And so it was that John Conway turned to his foursome version of Tiger Woods and fielded the uber competitive Aidan Neill and Michael Gibson as the combination which would bring the DUGS home if things were tight. His selection looked inspired as they took an early lead against Jeremy Smith and Nick Denny. Gibbo’s exuberance and passion coupled with Aidan’s brand of cool, rapier like attack would surely hold for a comfortable win. Fire and ice; passion and precision; and determined to avenge their unlikely shoeshine loss of last year.
But, as with any great thriller, there is always a plot twist and it was in this match up, which resulted in Gibbo walking with Nick for all 36 holes, that the narrative of the day began to turn away from the obvious conclusion. That great former SUG, Robbie Burns, had addressed man’s frequent lack of self-awareness in those famous lines – oh would someone the gift to gie us to see ourselves as other see us. And so while Nick’s stream of advice – how Gibbo might chip better, what to do about a flying right elbow – was well intentioned, it was not clear that these nuggets were all gratefully received.
As the afternoon progressed, it became apparent that this was going to be a nail biter. An early tide towards the LUGS was reversed in the mid order as the DUGS edged the shoeshine game. Shades of Aussie cricketing practices reared their ugly head on the 14th as Porky, tugging out his handkerchief, let slip a small bag of rabbit droppings, thus providing an explanation for the three fortuitous free drops he had negotiated for himself on the outward nine. For once cowed, the Kershaws accepted their fate and made for the boot polish.
With only the last game on the course, the scores were tied. Aidan’s towering four iron to the 18th came to rest 12 feet below the flag. One down, Nick Denny made for the bunker knowing that he would almost certainly have to hole out to tie the game and therefore the match. It was at this point that fate intervened. Later in the clubhouse, head buried in his hands, Gibbo described his out of body experience. ‘He’d been chirping advice at me all day and I was trying to avoid listening by thinking about other things. As I stood on the 18th, I was running through my internationals against England and, as Nick was settling over the ball, I glanced up and in my mind’s eye saw Micky Skinner going in for a jackal. I came back to my senses quite quickly but, by that stage, I was committed to clearing him out and that’s when I knocked him over!’ To his credit, Nick looked unfazed by the tackle and, as he was getting back to his feet, began instructing Gibbo on how to clear out properly. Watching, dumbfounded, Gavin ruled that the hole would have to be conceded by DUGS.
Perhaps a halved match was, ultimately, a fair result. The DUGS felt they let one get away while Yeandle claimed genius captaincy. In good humour, the Kershaw brothers took to their knees and began brushing. But, half an hour into evening drinks, results were forgotten. How good it was, after all of this time, to be back on the golf course!
Another marvellous day of golfing on Dublin’s finest links.
| DUGS | LUGS | |
| Mark Murnane & Will Kelly | Jimmy Bull & Sam Baker | LUGS win 1 up |
| Barry Grundy & Paddy O’Sullivan | John Sugden & Alastair Wells | Halved match |
| Roddy Conway & Fran Quilty | Gorm Nielsen & Ed Clutton | DUGS win 1 up |
| Gavin Caldwell & John Conway | Mike Kershaw & Nick Kershaw | DUG win (LUG disqualification) |
| Tommy Bracken & Michael Fleming | Paul Woodhouse & Mark Conway | Halved match (18 halved holes) |
| Nick Dillon & Dermot O’Grady | Jon Lavelle & Peter Dyson | LUGS win 2/1 |
| Aidan Neill & Michael Gibson | Nick Denny & Jeremy Smith | Halved match |
| Afternoon and match tied |
London University Golfing Society 